Essay Archives - Page 9 of 10

Oct

Mountain Do

There are no mountains.

That’s the first thing I notice around here at The Mountain Workshops, the absence of mountains.

Hills, sure. Ridges, you bet. One could even argue there are crags, escarpments or even bluffs. But mountain may be pushing it a bit. Not that I’m one to talk. Coming from the decidedly flat suburbs of Detroit, our biggest “mountains” are converted garbage dumps that developers covered with dirt and ski lifts then waited for snow.

But the term Mountain Workshops adds a sense of majesty, purple and above fruited plains. That sort of thing.
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Jan

First And Worst

January is the wicked step-mother of months. Contradictory and contemptuous, January is sun, rain and snow, all in a half-hour’s time. It’s slushy toboggan runs and black ice on I-75. January is your passive aggressive co-worker who smiles in your face then shoves daggers of ice in your back. It’s not surprising, since the month is named after a two-faced Roman god.
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Dec

An Advent Apocalypse

Scooping poop in the backyard I noticed, quite clearly, a bar code sticking out from one of Bernie’s turds. Being on doggie duty I couldn’t help but be amazed at how far-reaching the packaging phenomenon has spread. When crap comes out of your dog’s butt already assigned a specific code, we’ve either taken a great leap forward in biotechnology, or Bernie’s just gotten into something he shouldn’t have. Read More

Nov

You Asked About The Meaning Of Life

When we finished talking the other day I couldn’t help but feel I left you hanging. You’ve been my friend for many, many years and even though I couldn’t completely explain what it all means, I felt as though I just gave you some pat, standard answers. I apologize for that.

But it’s a tough question, “what’s the meaning of life?” Read More

Oct

It’s Not My-in, It Must Be Urine

Rodney’s Book — A “cute” Leukemia — is available everywhere.

(This piss, er, piece premiered on Public Radio. Go to C-Living With Cancer — 8 minutes in.)

They monitor my urine here. The total cost of my stay to the insurance company will be probably well north of a quarter million dollars. But to the people that have to dump my collected urine, that cost is far too low. The nurses here at Karmanos Cancer Center need to know how much my output is keeping pace with my input, so no toilet for me; it’s a series of random jugs, some of them placed bedside in the middle of the night, some elsewhere. I’m the Easter Bunny of pee.Read More

Jul

Peter’s Principles

On September 11th, after both twin towers were hit, I called my buddy Peter to find out what was happening. Peter lived in lower Manhattan at the time and my little paper in Midland was like every other news organization trying to make sense of the madness. Peter’s partner Masood got on the line and gave us some good, solid quotes about what he was witnessing.
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Jul

Blimey, I’m In Rehab

Friday afternoon was mellow. Doctor was pleased I was flatlined with all my blood numbers barely able to raise their hands for roll call. A hospital cheeseburger with fries was on the way.

And then suddenly I’m Nigel, an aging British rocker in rehab.
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Jul

This Is ENN

They burst into my room on stars, trailing unseen comets, the three-person team from Eternity Network News. Moments earlier I was simply conversing with the great Unknown, explaining why I knew death wasn’t near. Our conversation had been delightful and I think I impressed the Unknown. But then these yahoos showed up.
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Jul

Dear Colin

You are the youngest, newest member of our vast, crazy family and your Great Uncle Rodney has a funny story to tell. Well, by the end of this you may not think of me as great per se; everyone just calls me Uncle Rodney anyway, even if they’re my cousins or not technically even related to me.

Jun

Ode To An Egg Salad Sandwich

I look at you there, decimated, crusts hanging akimbo. My first solid meal in three days post chemo. You were a hero to me and I returned the favor by savagely tearing you apart in a way most maniacal.
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