What can I say? I’m taking this whole end-of-the-world thing seriously. If Mother Earth does a pole dance and sticks the North Pole where the sun don’t shine, then I want to take this opportunity and wish you all a merry end of the world.

 And a happy New Year.

Yeah, I got burned on the whole Y2K thing (anyone need 1,000 pounds of frozen SPAM?). But this one could be the biggie. We’re toast if Nibiru suddenly slams into our world or all the planets align so rare as predicted by Olivia Newton John as early as 1980.

Never mind that NASA, anthropologists, historians and Joe Biden all think the Mayan Apocalypse is utter malarkey. I know a guy on facebook who knows a guy who … well, you get the picture; you can never be too safe.


The actual Christmas card we sent out.

Consider the facts. Our dear friends Elli and Deb, who are very well informed, named their first born — wait for it — Maya. Robert Duvall starred in Apocalypse Now and was also in the movie Deep Impact. What was Deep Impact about? You got it, the end of the earth due to a celestial cataclysmic event. Don’t believe me? Look it up.

Also, the final episode of the final season of Jersey Shore airs Thursday night, just minutes before midnight, moments before the solstice.

I’ll leave you to connect the dots.

Look, I know what you’re thinking; just because the Mayan calendar ends, can’t they log onto Amazon and order a new one, maybe with a kitty cat theme? NO! Come on people, wake up, the Amazon is in South America and the Mayans lived in Mexico and Central America. This is what bothers me about North Americans.

Since the world may — sorry, WILL end — I want to come clean on a few things. I feel like a heel, but I never really liked Parks and Recreation. There, I said it. I tried, honestly, but I couldn’t ever muster enough enthusiasm. Also, what’s the deal with hummus? Everyone seems to love hummus. It tastes like nursery school paste mixed with dirt to me. Yes, I still find Madonna kind of hot and even though I played in a couple jazz bands in my distant past, I just simply don’t “get” jazz.

Wow, that’s actually a big weight off my shoulders. I think I can enter the next baktun or grand cycle with a clear conscience now.

By the way, here are a few interesting facts I learned while researching this studied and learned article.

Maya Angelou
Maya Rudolph
Maya Sharona
Maya Fair Lady
Maya Big Fat Greek Wedding